I'm up

Ahh.
So i guess this is the day i've been waiting for right?
Hah. no not really. Its more of a drag actually.
I'm going to get my hair done with Indian and I think she mentioned Stubborn coming along... aish.
Well shes picking me up at 12 30.
and thus my day begins. i already took a shower and today is going to go by fast. i can already tell. i just want it to be tomorrow already. I want to go get my ears pierced but my dad doesnt want me to do anything for my birthday...
we'll see how it goes. its fine if he doesnt let me i suppose.
he kind of makes me feel bad. like i waste a lot of money. its really odd to me because i try to spend as less as possible and i get stressed out because of it. i know he can afford it but he always makes me feel horrible when i ask for money. so i just try to use as less as possible. only for food and gas really.
i rarely splurge on myself with little things. i'd like to every once in awhile. i cant complain though. they buy me clothes and all when we go out. i'd just like to do it on my own every so often. i guess i'll need a job for that one.

Im feeling better than yesterday. My period is fading faster than these stupid emotions. I sleep a lot now. naps and at night i fall asleep fairly early (compared to how it used to be). I guess its a good thing. Less time for thinking. I usually have negative thoughts.

I had a dream. It was by my old apartments. It was at night. I was wearing all black and was with someone. i forgot who it was, but i know them. i cant even remember if it was a boy or girl. anyways, we were driving around my old neighborhood just looking at the place. On the sidewalk my old friend Victoria was being harassed by a guy. we kept driving past that to the back alley where the 'incident' happened. there was a group of guys and they were talking. as soon as i saw them i freaked out and turned the car around to another alley. they were following us and we ended up stopping behind a house. we forced ourselves inside and went through the house and came out through the front where there was a main street. i cant remember anything past that.
i also remember going to a play with Blackberry and other choir girls. but thats all for that part. ahh..theres way more. i know it. i just need to remember...
i think my dreams mean more than most peoples. thats why i always think about them...and try to figure out their meaning.


Before going to sleep i was talking to Smooshie. It feels like we're fighting... i guess we're just angry at each other. I always think false thoughts of him. I know theyre not true, but i get consumed by them. all i know is i have to stop that.

I didnt go to the dermatologist yesterday. i have to go next week though. maybe i'll go on wednesday when i get my license renewed. instead of school. I kind of feel bad because i havent missed school since freshman year. i wanted to keep my 3 year streak going! now i know how Rhythm feels with his perfect attendance all throughout school! i dont know if its like high school years or all years of school. im gonna ask. i might ask the doctor to write me a doctors note. :]
i always have fun when i go. even if i go through pain. so i was a little disappointed when my dad said it was best not to go. i was still thinking of going actually. but my dad really didnt seem like he wanted to. i knew he got tired of taking me. i understand why...its a hassle for him. and in a way its a hassle for me too. but i love going there. i'm gonna be sad when i stop going. i dont have to worry about that for a long while though. i asked the doctor how much longer it was gonna be before my skin completely cleared up and my scars were at a minimum. he said he was shooting for the fall. January 29th was the first time i went!

So for pop show, a few people wanted me to sing girls just wanna have fun by cindy lauper or however he name is spelled. I said yes.
but i want to do a different song.
i was thinking what hurts the most, but the cascada version. i think im gonna try out. i pretty much know the words, i just have to find the instrumental track. and change a few pitches. it would be fun.
ahh the beat to that song makes me smile.

i'm gonna go spend time with my brother before i have to leave.
thats all for now.